in | of | as
An exhibition held at Gosford Hospital in 2021.
Self Portrait of My Mother
Originally, I wanted to paint an image of my mother going back to earth and ether. In the process, as what I imagined in my mind’s eye wasn’t “working”, it changed into a self-portrait.
Only after finishing the painting, a few months later, I realised I’d painted the both of us. The riverways, mountains, valleys and trees are all an intimate part of us, as are our ancestors. I attempted to portray the cosmos at the heart, connecting to the human body, or vessel for spirit, on the left-hand side, with the immense vibrant natural world to the right. The separate “I” at the centre is perhaps the most disconnected part of us. This is the part of us bound in language and social conditioning. Both the infinite cosmos and separate identity self are part of us however, in a delicate, at times painful and at times delightful balance.
When We Forget We're Being Held
Just as Covid-19 hit our lives, my partner and I found ourselves afraid about the future, and concerned with how we could afford to live without work. During this period of time, nature was the greatest (if not only) source of relief and healing. When we looked at all of the life that is nurtured as this planet, we remembered the often forgotten source taking care of us all. The figures being held by the hands of the great headland look on to the vibrant reflections of the ocean, changing skies and birds circling. A boat zips across the water causing ripples, whilst the sand and shrubs of the coastline continue moving and changing with time. We look out upon the coast of the peninsular and feel a sense of being held, by something bigger and much more powerful than ourselves.
Family Tree
This painting came about in response to a song written by my sibling, and is the final image of the video titled “Family Tree". In the process of creating this painting many images came and went. The process of change and the many lives and deaths of this painting were a therapeutic access to grief and acceptance. Although I never knew what images would emerge, the final picture became my family. Myself, sibling, father and mother as the tree which we are shaded by. We look out upon the changeable landscape in a precious glimpse. We’re here but for a short time but the connections we feel and love we experience is part of the infinite and timeless source of all things.
Nurturing the Earth Within the Self
This being emerged without a plan, the title emerged in a similar way. The figure holds their heart in compassion and tenderness. A nest of young birds rests in their other hand. Their head and body are the forest, earth, mountains and water ways. This was the first painting I completed after a long break from my art practice. I’d decided that I should do “more important things” and neglected a practice that has always been very therapeutic. I think we collectively need to remember the value of practices and ways of being that nurture ourselves and the world. Like a dam wall breaking, this painting flooded out in a way I never anticipated. I didn’t realise at the time, but this painting began this whole series of works for in/of/as. Something within, wanted to remind me that nurturing and compassion have value, even and perhaps especially when it is self-directed.
in of as
This image emerged bringing a sense of intensity and powerful presence. What is so much bigger than us can sometimes feel overwhelming or even terrifying. We can be overcome by a sense of fear or uncertainty when we face what is unknown or larger than our understanding. These feelings are natural, and the extension of the nervous systems we’ve inherited. In moments where we can glimpse or even merge with the bigger picture, we can find a deeper sense of peace and openness. For me, this work brings up the mixed feelings of momentousness and smallness. That I am both the mountain and the small figure looking upon it. Both experiences have their own truth, yet I’ve found “zooming out” to see a bigger picture, brings a greater sense of peace and meaning to life.
Headland|Heartland
I think we find it easier to recognise consciousness when it looks more like us, but in truth there is consciousness in everything. The headland is alive as are all parts of this earth. The hands hold the heart, from which life-giving water pours. Our heads and hearts are both significant and necessary parts of this human experience. We need balance between thinking and feeling in order to live sustainably and harmoniously with the earth and each other. Brush strokes show the vibrancy of the trees, shrubs and grasses, at the centre, figures hold hands in mutual care and support whilst their spirits soar above as birds.
Sovereign Being
The earth is, as are our bodies, sovereign. The country “Australia” was founded on the misconception that we can “own” the earth. Colonisation has caused profound and ongoing suffering and trauma for the custodians and lore bearers of the many First Nations here. May we listen to and learn from those who harmoniously and sustainably cared for these lands and each other since time immemorial. May we listen to the elders and communities who understand this country and how to care for it. May we listen to and learn from the land itself. May we remember the sacredness and sovereignty of this earth, of every living being upon it and of our own bodies.
The Conversation of the Mountains is the Valley
The earth is living, breathing, sovereign. In ways that we cannot see or understand, the land is in intimate, sacred communication. In creating landscapes as figures and figures as landscapes I’m reminded of the inseparable connections between the planet, cosmos and ourselves. Remembering this connection brings me a sense of peace and meaning. As these figures and the title emerged, I enjoyed the thought of these mountains and the valley between being all part of a loving conversation. Many wisdom traditions and First Nations cultures recognise and live, in respect of these sacred connections. I believe we have a lot to learn from these communities and that our survival may rely on this humility, respect and remembering.
Self Reflection
Originally, I imagined and began a painting titled “Body of Water”. Over time, this painting continued changing and felt as though it had to have a life of its own. As the painting changed over and over, just like the everchanging surface of water, I realised I too had to let go of my original idea and title. This was the image that emerged, along with the new title “Self-Reflection”. The figure came alive on the right-hand side and found in the ocean a reflection looking back at themself. As I let go of my own intentions the brushstrokes changed, becoming more gestured and painterly. The trees emerged as a series of rough blobs, which in past paintings I might have tried to “tidy”, “perfect” or “polish”. Instead, I found joy in their imperfections and felt a sense of excitement with this new way of painting. We too, like a body of water are everchanging, and much joy and realisation can be found if and when we allow ourselves to be just exactly that which wishes to emerge through us.
A Thread in the Tapestry of Life
I sometimes find myself feeling overwhelmed by the experience of humanness. Our lives are complex, and the thoughts and feelings of the mind and body can be a source of disharmony and suffering. There is a sense that comes when looking out onto the immensity of the ocean or an incredible natural landscape. The feeling is interconnectedness, that I am a part of that and that is a part of me. I am a thread in the tapestry of life, woven into the very fabric of the cosmos. Within that realisation comes much peace.
I am that
A sweeping coastline with two figures holding hands. They look out at the immensity of the ocean and headland below, beside are the twisting branches of an angophora, birds soaring above and ripples below. I wanted to capture the sense of awe and wonder that comes from looking out onto a scene like this. I often find a sense of relief and liberation as I am reminded of my “smallness” in comparison to the immense planet and cosmos. Within that feeling of awe is a kind of disappearing of “self”, where we can come to find a deep connection and unity with all of life. This painting connects to the video “I Am That”, and is also painted over many other images and lifetimes. To get to this point and picture many things came and went, the thickness and texture of the paint now shows the life of the canvas and the journey that went before.
Sacred Rest
As we walk on this Earth we pass over many processes of life and death. Leaf litter and old branches become soil. Bodies of water change shape and come and go leaving their memories in patterns in the earth. Rocks are formed and eroded by the power of the planet. Somehow with all of this immense activity over time there is still a sense of abiding peace and rest in nature. The original image that I had wished to paint in “Self Portrait of my Mother” came through in this painting. In some ways I feel that a process of grief had to continue before this “sacred restfulness” could be painted. Again the mountains and waterways, trees and rocks are intimately connected with the figure, until only the face and hands are what tell them apart from the earth. May we all find this sacred and life nurturing restfulness, in our minds, hearts, bodies and communities.